@TheToddWilliams The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
@liljonlovitz [commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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@TheToddWilliams 
@Megatronic13 Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
@Maxine12333 Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
@AndyAsAdjective Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
@ch000ch hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
@HomeProbably [at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
@SkinnerSteven I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
@ryan_rachryan80 I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
@Jake_Vig INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
@Stellacopter *phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!