[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Human are so complicated
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk