WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?

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Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.


hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her


[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.


I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat


I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.


INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?


*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!