Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
this is me
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word