Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
forgive me baja for i have blast
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.