compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Oh no
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.