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When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.