*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”