completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine