Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

This one’s “Alex”.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*