Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.