computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My birthstone is kidney
😂😂😂
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good