computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You Might Also Like
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Everything reminds me of my ex
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.