Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.