@thedad

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

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@jakelikesnaps

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@JohnHilsen

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

@Thepinkparka

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

@QwertyJones3

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@LackOfShame

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

@Marcmywords2

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

@AnOrangeSNES

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.