Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere