@thedad
@jakelikesnaps Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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@jakelikesnaps 
@topaz_kell Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
@JohnHilsen Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
@Thepinkparka Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
@QwertyJones3 [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
@murrman5 *takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
@LackOfShame Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
@Marcmywords2 “You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
@AnOrangeSNES Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
@J_Dazzle76 If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.