Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Cop: Aww.


Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.


Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.


[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”


*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
*goes to kitchen*


Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”


“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.


Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch


If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.