computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.