COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.