Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

pain

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.