Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet đ
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about whoâs the best Batman.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*first date*
Her: Iâm a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
Iâm not taking any Benadryl tonight
I yell âCOVER ME!â at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didnât even teach us that⌠so now what
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
âSorry, where are my manners? You want some?â
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect âsort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pairâ and folks, they were not elf ears
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISNâT foreplay? I really donât know what to do with that information.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
The point of your 20s
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.