COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo