Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
You Might Also Like
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Going into Monday like
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Godspeed, John Glenn
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.