Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
You Might Also Like
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
In space, no one can hear…
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job