@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
That’s incredible! 👌
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail