[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Remember folks 😂
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.