*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee