[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I came this close!!!!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter