{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.