[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!