[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.