Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
scrabbled eggs
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Hitlers gonna hitl
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.