Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me, in DM rooms…
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House