“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point