Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL