Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
More like Kate Missington.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.