Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
See..?
.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.