condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Mmmm canned fish.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.