Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”