*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*Inspirational Tweets*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*