@filmbizpro
@chuuew ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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@chuuew 
@weirdralph They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
@JustBeingEmma My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
@VaguelyFunnyDan The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
@TheToddWilliams [Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
@cwhudson *taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
@YimsterFife I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
@That_Damn_Duck Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
@mrtruthandsoul Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?