Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?