*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji