CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I love art.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.