CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions