[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.