Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.