@dankgdl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

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@Gorrdano

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@QwertyJones3

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

@InternetHippo

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

@PLATINUM2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*