Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what