Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.