Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore