confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
How it started How it’s going
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.