confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.


you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club


“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”


yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up


If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home


I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.


If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though