@thisis_thatguy I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
@DanMentos confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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@thisis_thatguy 
@MNateShyamalan you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
@permawedgie “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
@nice_mustard yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
@RedheadChaos If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
@Dad_At_Law Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
@pleatedjeans Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@Tbone7219 I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
@TheDjinnTrials If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
@meganamram I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though