[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The future is now.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?