[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]