[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows