#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish